Mad Merry Maudlin

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Erik the Swede and I spent the weekend visiting my grandparents. This morning they started shoving us out the door, because a Winter Storm Filled With Ice And Terror was approaching.

We laughed, but left.

About halfway home, the sleet started. Lord, kids. There were cars flying *everywhere*. At one point, I glanced in my rearview mirror and saw a truck, spinning, knock two other cars completely off the road before careening into a ditch in the median, up the side of the hill and, presumably, into the westbound lanes of traffic on the other side.

But we kept at it! White knuckles, of course, but we stayed at about thirty-five miles an hour and slowly, slowly made our way home. As we neared the exit, EtS had started making a grocery list and I was discussing how seriously badly I needed to use the bathroom and we wou- OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD the car pulled a 180, slid sideways about twenty meters, slammed into one of those metal reflective poles and wound up in a ditch three car-lengths off the road.

I call AAA and they tell me someone is on the way. In two hours. "Don't leave the car," they stress. I thought about informing them that if they didn't hurry, I'd be fashioning a catheter out of a ballpoint pen and an empty Diet Coke can, but decided it wasn't really relevant.

So EtS and I bundle up in the quilt I keep in the trunk, get out my Emergency Granola Bars, which I had never before needed to break into, and settle down for a wait.

I call my Dad.

Me: "Daddy, I wanted to let you know that we made it almost all the way home but ended up in a ditch just in front of our exit. But we're fine."
Dad: "Are you serious?"
Me: "Yes. But don't worry, I don't think the car is damaged too badly."
Dad, growling: "How could this have happened?!"
Me, watching cars sliding past ours, swerving in elaborate figure-eights as their drivers curse inaudibly behind the wheel: "It's... it's icy."

I call my Mom.

Me: "Mommy, I just wanted to let you know that we made it almost all the way home but ended up in a ditch just in front of our exit. But we're fine."
Mom: "Are you serious? Why would you lie to me about something like that?"
Me: "I'm not lying. But don't worry. I don't think the car is damaged. Too badly."
Mom, shrieking: "How could this have happened?!"
Me, watching as an ambulance whips past us, presumably racing towards the source of the horns and screeching tires we had heard a few minutes earlier: "It's icy, Mom. It's really icy."

I call my Aunt Katie.

Me: "Aunt Katie, I just wanted to let you know that we made it almost all the way home but ended up in a ditch just in front of our exit. But we're fine."
Aunt Katie: "I'll lie to your grandparents and tell them you made it home. Snuggle together for warmth."

At least someone in my family reacts to these sorts of things appropriately!