Monday, April 11, 2011
Jesus Wept. And Then Raised Hell.
So at Mass yesterday, the Gospel was about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Which was FANTASTIC, since Mom and I had just been discussing the story in terms of a zombie horror movie.
Can't you see Jesus, walking slowly up the road with the sun setting behind Him? Mary and Martha, still sad about their brother having died four days earlier, are sort of cheery about the visit... but then seem to notice that something's up. They get quieter and quieter as He approaches the tomb. Jesus is all, "Lazarus, come forth! Come forth from the graaaave!" And Lazarus, brain stem reignited through the power of God, shambles from the tomb in a twisted parody of life, flesh hanging from his bones and hunger shining in his eyes. Mary and Martha take one look and run for the hills, Jesus high-fives Peter and Paul and goes off to transmogrify some water into wine, and Lazarus wreaks havoc on Bethany until finally someone manages to decapitate him.
Right? Right!
So you can imagine why it was difficult for the two of us to keep straight faces throughout the reading, especially given that it was accompanied by this picture on the giant screen they recently installed at the front of church (so that the service can be enhanced with classy PowerPoint presentations):
Jesus seems from this picture to be a man who cares both about saving the souls of all mankind and about proper conditioning. Check out that shiny, flowing hair. Martha doesn't look as alarmed as I would be to see my mummy-brother lurching out of a cave, but perhaps she is distracted by wanting to return to her native Scandinavia. And as for Lazarus... how the hell did he get out of the tomb? Did he hop? Because that lends a whole new level of badassery to the story.
To be honest, though, had they asked my opinion ahead of time, I like this one (is it Rembrandt?) quite a bit more:
Jesus has this crazed expression on his face like, "Oh my God someone stop me! Someone stop me before I create an unholy army of the dead! I am mad with power!!" And Martha can only stare in horror as her clearly still-deceased brother gets ready to stagger out of his grave and feast on human flesh.
Anyway, what this basically boils down to is that a) zombies are awesome and b) I should teach Bible Study to impressionable young children. Who's with me?
Comments:
Perhaps you might pursue a less sacreligious art form. Consider:
http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/catholic-man-creates-biblical-scenes-using-soap-coffee/
http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/catholic-man-creates-biblical-scenes-using-soap-coffee/
# posted by 
: 10:23 AM
: 10:23 AM
But I ask you, what's the point of spelling your company's name (provided by God, no less) wrong for the purpose of making it more memorable, when you don't even have a website up!?
(Those little soldiers are actually kind of adorable. Dang. I need to become craftier.)
(Those little soldiers are actually kind of adorable. Dang. I need to become craftier.)
I am sure that your parents are sooo proud that all those tuition dollars spent sending you to Catholic school resulted in such profound thoughts about the central tenets of your faith!
# posted by : 3:49 PM
: 3:49 PM
It's posts like this that make me consider stepping into a church again -- solely for the entertainment value.
Which is why I should probably to continue staying out of them...
Which is why I should probably to continue staying out of them...
This is why you need to write more often. I think this is the best post ever. It may be even better than your France posts.
I like Lamb's version of the whole thing. Lazarus is kind of smelly and no one really wants to hang out with him anymore.
I like Lamb's version of the whole thing. Lazarus is kind of smelly and no one really wants to hang out with him anymore.
I was going to say something about you maybe never teaching Sunday school, but you beat me to the punch.
@Aunt Katie - MOM WAS THINKING IT TOO!!
@Bree - Girl, you know it's worth it for the amusement factor alone. Plus, if my post brings you back to the faith, I think Jesus owes me twenty bucks or something. Isn't that how it works? Finder's fee?
@Rachel - I already post once a week! What more do you want from meeeeeeee?! (Also, if Jesus did go mad with power in that second picture, we'd have to add bunnies so it fit better with Lamb....)
@Holly - You could teach it with me! I'd let you pass out the crayons for when we all got ready to draw zombie pictures for the kids to take home to their parents!
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@Bree - Girl, you know it's worth it for the amusement factor alone. Plus, if my post brings you back to the faith, I think Jesus owes me twenty bucks or something. Isn't that how it works? Finder's fee?
@Rachel - I already post once a week! What more do you want from meeeeeeee?! (Also, if Jesus did go mad with power in that second picture, we'd have to add bunnies so it fit better with Lamb....)
@Holly - You could teach it with me! I'd let you pass out the crayons for when we all got ready to draw zombie pictures for the kids to take home to their parents!
